Mood:
amorousI want to finish the last entry, but with something different.
I categorized this on purpose as a separate entry for a number of reasons. The main reason is that I wanted to share what I currently feel for Helen. I read her blog on myspace and it honestly left me concerned for her. What I mean is that I can see that she is struggling with this new relationship and that she has expressed some insecurities and other legitimate concerns that I really wanted to talk to her about it. I don't want to share exactly what she wrote (I don't she'll appreciate that without first talking to her) but I will say that she raised some very good concerns that we really need to address. However, I realized that she really does care alot for me, probably more than just like. So much so that she cares about what I think and wants to get into my head. All of this is so that she can be sure that I won't hurt her in the end. And you know, I agree. So, in a way, this entry is mainly a response to her. This is meant to reveal the things in my heart, uncensored, sincere, and deep. Of course, I've been honest with her all the time and haven't hid anything from her, but I do think that I haven't expressed my feelings too much except on a general note. So, it's time for me to do that and I hope this gives her some comfort if nothing else.
How do I feel about her and what are my thoughts toward her? A fair question!
{Okay, remember, this is uncensored so get ready for some full-on-bronson honesty here.}
First of all, I think she's incredible; she is a woman of prayer, loves children, supports me when I decide things based on the will of God, and encourages me to do what the Lord leads me to do. She has a great sense of humor and for some reason she always makes me smile. Yesterday I had somewhat a difficult day and she just listened as I vented; she also told me a joke to cheer me up. We also get along and we've held conversations on various things, most of them have been very serious, especially recently. She has expressed that she is striving to be like the Biblical character Ruth; Ruth is known as a woman of excellence, woman of virtue in Scripture. The same term excellence (used in NASB) that Boaz uses to describe Ruth is the exact term used in Proverbs 31 in the same line that says that a woman of excellence (or vitue) who can find? This is truly noble and something that I've been waiting, a woman who is like Ruth in every regard. I guess these are things I can think of right now, but to remain uncensored it would be fair I listed some concerns about her.
Spiritually, she seems very fantastic. On other hand, I also have my concerns related to her as well. The first concern I thought about was regarding our meeting. What if I meet her and we find out that we're just better as friends than more, even though I know I really like her and she likes me? I did have concerns about physcial attraction...what if I don't find her physically attractive? To be honest, I really wasn't worried about this because I do believe attraction will happen naturally once we get to know each other. Other concerns are as follows:
What if I meet her and we have little to talk about?
What if I don't meet her criteria that she's expecting (regardless of what eharmony already accomplished)?
What is her cousin doesn't like me and advises her to stay away from me (for whatever reason(s) she points out)?
What if I don't meet her spiritual expectations?
What about bigger issues like...
Have I projected myself too much as a "perfect" guy and this is leaving her a bit skeptical about my Christian life?
Have I given her reason to feel insecure or to doubt me as being able to carry out my role in this relationship (to lead responsibly and wisely)?
Am I making her feel bad at times?
Am I causing her to stumble in anything?
What does she truly think of me and what is she expecting from me?
Does she think I am the one for her?
What if she goes to Spain on a permanant basis...what are we to do?
Sometimes I feel like that I've said some things to her that may have turned her off or cause her to be like "I don't want to speak to this guy anymore." In her mind, have I presented a secure role in making decisions without wavering and standing on the promises of God? Have I given her the impression that I can make and stand on the decisions that are made. In other words, have I given her reason to think: "If he's wavering on this issue, can I trust him to be solid on the important issues like buying a house or car." Am I making myself out to be more than I am? Okay, these are tons of questions but these are vital. What does she think about the relationship between my mother and stepfather? What are the concerns she has in my making decisions?
I really, really like Helen alot. I like her so much that I really want this relationship to work. I want to look out for her best interest and I want to please her, think more highly of her (as Scripture says) and not look to myself. It's too early for me to say the other word, because we haven't met yet and I don't want to jump to conclusions too soon and I want to guard her heart against any confusion. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that this could work despite being so far away from her. I figured that if we're this far apart the physcial attraction will be highly controlled and drive us to pray and commit ourselves daily to the Lord. By not being so close (distance-wise), we can focus on praying more for each and live with the anticipation of seeing one another during breaks. It keeps the temptation factor down a great deal and gives us reason to persevere each day so that we can get to those days that we can finally spend together. But, the more closer we become, the more we are going to want to spend together as time goes on. The biggest question is, which is similar to what the Elder brought up, am I willing to make a sacrifice for her? The better question, what sacrifice should I make according to the Lord in order for His will to be done in her life as well as in mine? Granted, I love this college and I determined to finish here since I only have a little while to go (two years as the most). But honestly, if God is drawing me towards Hillsboro to live, just how close is that calling and where in Hillsboro would He want me to serve? Even other issues: can I be financially stable enough in a year to start affording a house or a car or make some type of investments? It will take me some time to get financially stable (we talked about this) and I'm thinking a year is enough for me to do this (even though I only have small debts to clear that can be taken care this year).
This is what I don't want:
I don't want to hurt her in anyway.
I don't want her to feel insecure about me.
I don't want her to fear me in anyway.
I don't want her to be confused anything in this relationship.
I don't want her to be uncomfortable in anyway.
I don't want her to neglect God's desire for her life.
I don't want her to get the wrong picture of who I am.
This is what I do want:
I want her to continue to be honest and open with me and express anything that's on her heart to me.
I want her to happy around me and not sad.
I want her to be "sure" about us so that she can be confident about our relationship.
I want her to know what's in my heart.
I want her to grow tremendously in the Lord.
I want her to be herself and not to expect anything less from me.
I want her to know that I don't ever want to break her heart and would do anything to stop that from happening.
I want her to experience the incredible things that God has in store for her life.
I want her to be the one, and I want to grow to love her accordingly.
I also want her to know that I'm not a perfect man and I had made my mistakes. I made some foolish decisions. I have had some huge problems with lust these past years, and struggled remotely with some terrible things. I am a man who struggles with acceptance from others, who craves attention sometimes because I get so lonely, and I tend to hold alot things in. Sometimes I have trouble expressing my feelings and I have trouble asking for help. I like to be independant most times but am I learning to ask for help and to rely a bit more others when it is appropriate and right to do so. I can almost be persuaded to take advice if it sounds very true and accepting regardless of things I have decided. I am a very complex man, and I tend to make things very complicated. Sometimes I want space to myself so that I can think and reflect on the things happening in my life and I am very stubborn. Sometimes I think I know more than I should, when I don't know much of anything and a very systematic in the way I keep my home (i.e. I do things at a certain time almost all the time with very little change). The greatest weakness, though, is that I tend be very easily influenced by the woman who captures my heart. In this case, it's Helen. I want more for her and I want us to succeed. I really care for her (like is putting it delicately) and I "feel" more for her. I crave to get to know her more and I crave to know what makes her her! I want to know what makes her herself, I want to know her struggles, her desires, her dreams, and anything on her heart. I simply just want to know if I would be willing to commit more than feelings to her. I know I'm assuming alot, but this is what Reggie does: he looks way down the line and overexgerates things when trying to understand life and the decisions that are associate with it.
My number fear right now is that this relationship will fail for whatever reason. The only acceptable reason will be because God wants it to be so. That's fine. Okay, make that two acceptable reasons: one because of God and the other because she says so. I hope, in all sincerity, that she would be willing to let me pursue her with all my heart. Whatever the Lord reveals, I accept and submit to it wholeheartedly.
Helen....thank you for sharing your concerns. I'm sorry to have annoyed you (for whatever the reason was) and I'm sorry to have caused you some insecurities. Please forgive me. I want you to know my heart without assuming that you know what I feel. I really care for you alot and I want to pursue you with all my heart. While keeping in mind about wht God has for you, I am willing to make a sacrifice for our relationship. If God has you for me, I am willing to put my life down for you. But I want you to be sure. I'm not the best leader by any means and I probably suck at it, but I can promise you that I will pursue the Lord's will and lead according to the premises given in Scripture and I am willing to open my entire life for your sake so that you can access to my thoughts, desires, dreams, and struggles of my Christian life. I am wiling to be accountable to you in all regards and stay true to you, as surely as the Lord lives. If you are the one, this I can promise you. God bless!!!
