Night of the Living Thoughts...What Are You Trying to Say?
Mood:  not sure

Man, I've had some night!

To be honest with you, it was a strange night. It was one of those nights that I slept peacefully for a while until for some reason my thoughts were ravished and overflowing with a single name. I remember praying as I laid down and spent some time in prayer for Helen -- strictly for her and the things that are happening in her life-- asking that God would have His way in her life and that she will be guided by the Lord. I also prayed that God would give me a sensitive to heart to look out for her best interest and to encourage her to seek the Lord's will for her life. After doing so, I encountered some very interesting antics during the night. Call it a dream that seemed real or maybe I just tired, but something interesting was happening.

For what I remember, I recall noticing something about Helen, her name in particular, in regards to something. I can't remember if it was something I thought about in regards to our relationship or not, but whatever it was, it played an important significance. I recall waking up at intervals during the night watching the clock and thinking "Helen". It was like I kept watching the clock go by every few hours because for some reason it felt like I was going to miss something very important. The only thoughts during the night was Helen. Her name was the only thing that came to mind; I got up about 5:30 or this morning and prayed, while still in a dazed about the connection between Helen's name and some type of countdown. It was really weird; it was like I noticed that something pointed back to Helen but I couldn't put my finger on it. So, I just prayed that God would reveal what He may have been trying to show me during the night (if it was of the Lord) or if it was just spiritual warfare giving me a difficult time and decided to haunt me last night. Whatever the case, I did managed to go back to sleep and think the daze or dream or whatever it was worked itself out. From what I know is this: It had something to do with Helen, the number of days (cause I saw the counter in my daze), and something that worked out and pointing back to her, like she was the link to everything. Honestly, I haven't figured it out and it could've been my mind playing tricks on me. Maybe I was just thinking about her too much; I was joyful to know that she spent time in prayer last night! For some reason, though, I do believe that this is important. I never experience spiritual warfare in the middle of the night unless it was important (I recall that week when I met with Elder M that a similar thing happened but it wasn't this extreme). Or it could have been the mixture of my excitemend and nervous merging with the heat and caused me to toss and turn all night.

Nevertheless, I found myself thinking about her all night. I did pray some things about her in regards to my feelings growing and about our relationship. Overall, God is the one in charge and I am trusting that He will lead us in the way to go; regardless of some things I have prayed throughout the past year. What I mean by that is this: after my last relationship I was determined to focus on strengthing my relationship with God as well as focus on my schooling. In doing so, after some extensive prayer and guidance, I decided that I would leave my relationship pursuits up to the Lord. In my own mind, I had decided that I wanted my next relationship to be last, at least for a while. What I mean by that is that if my next relationship didn't work it, it would be the last one in my mind until either later in life or once and for all. In my mind, after having some many failed relationships (due to various factors including my own poor decisions) I figured that if the next didn't work out then it would God's way of telling me that I am not meant to get married. I know this is a selfish decision on my part, so I changed the thought to "not meant to" but rather "at a much later time in life." I mean, most couples I know were married in their twenties and I"m almost thirty. I personally think that if I get to a certain point in life that getting married and enjoying it is going to be short lived. I really want to have a great deal of life to enjoy this wonderful thing, but I also need to remind myself that God has His timing for everything and I can't force Him to act any faster or slower; God's answers to prayer are based on my cries or works, but solely on His Sovereign will to do as He pleases according to what He has foreordained in my life. That means that if that He has something for me, it will occur regardless of the decisions that I make because His will is superior than mine. My will, in a sense, is based on what He His and what He has decided.

With that said, I have shifted my prayers to put Helen on the scale before God and asked Him this: "If Helen is the one that meets your picture for a mate for me, then please tell me plainly." Okay, that is jumping the gun, but honestly people, this has been my heart for a long time. I know we've talked for over a year and some months, but as I noticed certain signals and things that she has said, I had perceived interest in me on her part. To be honest, I was very interested in her as time went on and I expressed to others that there could be a "possible" relationship that could form between us. And now...that has happened. I guess the question is, how do I really feel about her? That's for another entry; in regards to what happened last night, I am praying that God will show Me His will in regards to Helen alone. Whatever He is telling me, I'd best listen and surrender to what He has planned. I wonder what Helen was praying about...I wonder if these things are connected to what she was praying about? I guess there's only one way to find out...