The Fading Groans of 25....6 Days of Striking Back
Mood:  not sure
My time is approaching....

My time is that day on the 11th of next week when I turn 26. Man, so has happened over the years and I have realized that as a SCM (single Christian man) there  is so much that I have not yet accomplished. It's not because of any regrets or failures, but mostly due to the fact that I have been focused on varies things during my lifetime, essentially starting about the age of 13. I remember going to high school was the pivotal point for me at the age of 15 while turning 16 had it's interesting moments. Turning 18 was a huge one one, but not as big as turning 21. Those things have come and gone, and now in 6 days I"ll be 4 years away from 30. Now, if turning 18 made me excited, and turning 21 made me seem officially an adult, turning 26 is almost like saying "you're going to be 30 years old!" That.....makes me.............hybrid!!!  Okay, hybrid isn't exactly a feeling, but I didn't know what word I should use to describe my feelings. I mean, last year, in turning 25, I thought I had missed some important things in my life. I also realized that I had some goals (written down in my journal) set in 2005-6 that were not in 2007 and likewise. I also remember thinking back years ago where I was hoping to be married at least by 23, no later than 25. Well...unless a miracle happens in the next 6 days in which I propose to an incredible woman of God and ask her to marry me and we actually carrying it out by then (as well as my pastoring approving the decision whole-heartedly) then it's not going to happen by next Wednesday. So, that goal has not been successful. I even planned to be finish with school by my midtwenties and have my life on the heels of my career; that has not succeeded either. There are other goals that I had planned like having a book published by now and even have a car and other stuff like that, all of this has not happened!!!

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not "worried" about these things but I am "reflective" of what direction I took for these things to even birth in my life. I mean, 2 years ago I was the closest to marriage than I ever was before, being engaged for just about two months. I came close to buying my first car, but someone beat me to it even though it was dirt cheap. Also, I had left WBC initially during the beginning of my third year of college, 2nd year of Bible college, all for the point of trying to taste a bit of what I wanted to do with my life and "soil my royal oats" for 3.5 years until I finally stopped running from the call of God on my life. During those times, I have experienced so much pain, groans, and hits-and-punches from the world that we live in that I have come back to school with knowledge of how this world really is. Before then, it was still "relative" to me. But now, so much in my life has had a "dose of reality" that I am at a point where realism takes a bit of importance in my life; by realism, I mean the awareness of the world we live in is so complex that our lives are part of a difficult journey that never goes the way it's "suppose" to in natural terms, but that God Himself, in His sovereignty and providence (thank you for that sermon Pastor Redmond), has ordained my steps in life and takes me where I am "suppose" to be. With that said, I recognize that His timing in all things is crucial and nothing happens apart from His timing and counsel.

So, for instance, if it was meant for me to be married or have a meaningful, prosperous (by that I mean money-wise and actually quality of work that is satisfying) career then I would have those things. Granted, I want a godly marriage (if I can use it that way)...okay, let me rephrase that...I want a to marry a Godly woman who will be willing to love me and respect me and aid me in the difficult task that is ahead of me. I know she has to be strong and willing to be subjected to as much ridicule and pressure from people who don't want to honor and serve God the way they should and would rather live away from Biblical authority as much as possible and would have me crucified in a second that minute I make biblical changes in the church. Or....maybe I have the wrong idea of what is means to be a pastor-elder (more on this in the future). I simply refuse to have the idea that being a pastor is a grand luxury and most people look up to me and want to stay on my coattail for my duration of serving time and are going to just simply "listen to me" and serve God. The real image I have of a godly pastor is my own as well as the elders and others I have met up with during my life. I have come to grips that being a pastor, while trying an honor and a good thing (1 Tim 3:1), it is also a difficult task that will forever change the way I do things in my personal life (since the biggest changes happen in my personal life first and filter into the way I do ministry) as well as how I live it before others. This is the greatest mindchanger in the world of a man who was called to ministry at the age of 18 and had his mind set on becoming an astronomer, writer, and teacher after college. (by mindchanger, the process of thought that requires a strict line of thinking that is not the norm for one at this age because a great responsibility has been given to me that requires me to evaluate things in light of what God has called me to do). To be singled out as a shepherd (or a becoming shepherd I should say) isn't easy. In my opinion, this has been a great obstacle and blessing to relationships that I've had in the past. While all have said, "Hey that's great" it's different when you're in a relationship and it becomes something where everything seems like it has to have my i's dotted and my t's slightly crossed or topped correctly and the idea of "power" loomed over the one that was hoping to be with me. Who wants to be a pastor's wife, when they could marry a superstar, an American Idol, a doctor, teacher, lawyer, and even the lonely janitor who makes so much more than an average pastor of full-time ministry (depending on the church) who has little or no insurance policies at the church or lives like a nomad? Who wants to marry a pastor when it seems like all I'm going to do is study the Word, debate theology, learn theology and be nothing but a pillar of service and information for people to suck up and take home. This is the thinking of some, although I can't hear what they say in their hearts, but the implications are there (sometimes). If it's not this, then it may be other things that make some women turn their heads away from me and be like "be with him..yeah, right!" Maybe I don't look like a good candidate for a husband or maybe it seems like I'm one who rather do nothing but play videogames all day and study and read books in the off-time; nevertheless, it's been a real hardship of mine of trying to remain still waiting for God to lead me to the one whom He has led me to pursue in hopes of marriage. To be honest, I'd be scared of what a woman truly thinks of me regarding her perception of ministry and what she expects from me when she's "first lady" of the house. If not that, then at least what she thinks of me as a person, a man of God. Now, this doesn't go for all the ladies, but ones that I have encountered, known, or have perceived through other people or examples that I've witnessed in my life. The best ladies that I have in my life right now, though, are those who do care about my heart and are my dear sisters-in-Christ and those whom I consider part of my personal family and inner circle. I thank you all, dearly, for everything.

Okay, let me move to something else, cause I could talk about that last stuff for hours. Another thing that I've been "groaning" about as I turn 26 is where I am with God. To be honest, it hasn't been a good year for us. I've slumped so much this year it's ridiculous, but I have no excuses. I won't bother making any! Just know that I am planning some things with God and considering the fact that my days should be filled with more studying, prayer, and even worship than what I am used to. This is not to say that I am to just study, pray, and worship non-stop (though I wouldn't mind and would love it) and neglect all my other duties and activities, but I should do more of what I am used to. I need to move beyond the elementary practices of being a Christian because God has matured me to the point where my life should be a solid brick of Christ power in the way I do things that I shouldn't do things the same way as I did last year or even ten years ago (almost) as a young Christian. It is said, "To whom much is given, much is required." I do believe that this is a scripture too (but for the sake of time I won't look for the reference). I learned this lesson upon leaving Claflin University in 2002. I didn't know that meant then, but I'm certainly starting to really understand what this means. It sounds too much like Spider-Man's hero motto: "with great power comes great responsibility." Essentially, it's the same thing; Ninjaearth, then, is no exception (I know, I just went a few extra miles but bear with me; I am Ninjaearth k?). Even with what I learn here at WBC, I am responsible for so much that I know I haven't been faithful a third of the time in what I'm suppose to be doing and what I desire to do. So....that means drastic changes are on the way for me, as I am planning to smash this summer hard with some studying and reading because I want to be more serious and excited and passionate about my calling to ministry. I remember about a month ago when our Elders were voted in and what God did to me during the prayer; Ahhh,, I couldn't believe!!! A difficult path is really before me and I honest just don't want to go through this knowing times of persecution and extreme suffering await me. Nevertheless, knowing that it was God that chose me to serve Him in this capacity because He desires to glorify Himself and take a weak, scared, rebellious vessel like me and bring people to Christ and to help to the church grow regardless of my cooperation or not, I count this as an unworthy honor that is truly not mine to own. The only thing I want, in heaven, is not a mansion or even gold, but all I want is to be at the feet of Jesus cleaning it forever; I dare not even look at His face for all eternity because I consider myself a servant who is not worthy of His master's honor. I never will be, in my thinking. What Christ thinks of me, that is up to Him. If He calls me faithful, then praise Him. If He calls me wicked, then I praise Him all the more. Just as long as His name is being spread and people are hearing and believing in the name of Jesus Christ the Son of God and the coming messiah of the world, I care not what He does with my life, even if it hurts.

So, what that said, I have took steps in starting some new things on the 11th of this month. One of them is that I have decided to go back to journaling more frequently during the week as I did when I was in high school. Another thing is that I have decided to accept the ways I am going, that are good, and remain sensitive to what God is doing in my life. From just basic "quiet time" (which for me doesn't exist anymore and is going to be called something else but not quiet time since Him and I are not quiet at all unless I"m sleeping) to the pursuit of a relationship to the attendance and work at school, changes are on the way. As a writer, there is so much more I want to say, but I don't have the time (and space) right now; besides, I should get back to work and do something productive while I'm still on the clock than write blogs. But...I'm starting seek to soil my writing oaks through Long Ridge Writers as well as through other forms of writing. I am planning on putting up more poetry and others throughout the next years because I'm convinced that God has given writing as the primarily gift to glorify Him and I can also use this to express myself in ways that I cannot express in words. For some reason, my writing is the true reflection of myself and all I feel and do; it's so easy but yet so difficult for me to do this, but maybe oneday I'll learn to voice how I feel more often to others and stop this passiveness (not that it's bad or anything) that I've been in for years.  So, as I slowly fade away from 25 and pick up the helm at 26, I consider the fact that I'll be 4 years away from 30. Having said that, I want to really use the remaining time I have left being single (however long that may be, hopefully just long enough to make the right decisions and changes needed to be a Godly single man with the intention of becoming a husband) doing the work of God and establishing my ministry (God's ministry I should say) and prepare for the work that is before me. Fighting off these groans, I hope and pray that God does something awesome this summer; in fact, I believe He will. What it will be is another story! In all, these next 6 days are my inauguration to 26 and I want to be a Christian that is 26 years having a powerful relationship with God as well as the living and maturity a Christian should have at my age.

My time is slowly approaching...
6 days left..........

I've come so far already....
I wonder what God has in store for me;
A few things, indeed, He let me see
All except for the whole picture
which only causes me to trust in Him more for sure
Whatever He has planned for my days
Lord, let it be great, because even if it's all lousy
then at least I know that all that's good in life is You
That makes waiting for eternity
worth wild because it's all You have been meaning to give to me
Please, only, Lord give me the strength to wait on the desires of my heart
And let them, in the meantime, focus on the desires of Your heart
Above all, let me desire You
Because in the end, all I ever have is You
So Jesus, the first love of a man's being
Show me how to be a real man
living for a real God
Even if it means I get bruised, persecuted, and tried for You
I count it all joy because You did this for me too
So, too, show me how to be a real man
Walking and talking like Jesus
Cause He's my main man and my G-O-D
I'm also down with G-O-D, J-E-S-U-S, my Christ
But more than that...can you be more than God?
You are to me...You are my very life!
So, please, remember me, Lord!
If you forget for one second, then I'm back to being dust forever!
Thank God, oh Lord, you never forget!!!!
But if you take me today, then let me at least do this one thing:
Let me serve you and wash your feet for all eternity
While the rest of my brothers and sisters enjoy your riches and glory
I can spend time enjoying the beautiful feet of the Savior
That marched in sweat and blood on a dusty road to Calvary
All done, for me...and you.